Story 3: Jargon Apocalypse
It was a Tuesday morning when the email arrived. Subject line: “Strategic Alignment Touchpoint.” Dennis stared at it, unblinking. Existential dread crept in. Not again. He groaned audibly and forwarded the message to Priya. “What does this even mean?” Priya’s reply was instant: “It means they’re about to waste an hour of your life.” Dennis sighed and clicked accept. Resistance was futile. As the calendar notification popped up, he braced himself for what was coming—a masterclass in saying a lot without saying anything at all.
The Meeting of Doom
At precisely 10 a.m., the video call began. Gavin, a self-proclaimed thought leader, wasted no time. Just 30 seconds in—record time—he delivered his signature phrase: “Let’s circle back on this.”
Dennis translated in his head: We have no idea what’s going on, but let’s pretend we’ll figure it out later.
Sandra, never one to be outdone in corporate speak, leaned in. “Just to double-click on that,” she said, “I think we’re building the plane while flying it.”
Dennis, dead inside, whispered to Priya: “Translation: We’re making this up as we go.”
Priya snorted, hastily muting herself. “Next, they’ll say we need to do more with less.”
Dennis nodded, bracing for the next wave of nonsense.
Sure enough, Gavin leaned in, lowering his voice as if about to impart corporate wisdom of great importance. “We need to be scrappy here, do more with less.”
Dennis closed his eyes. He had seen this horror movie before. It was a loop—an endless cycle of buzzwords, empty strategies, and forced enthusiasm. The corporate Hunger Games, where survival wasn’t about doing great work—it was about sounding like you were.
The meeting droned on. Bandwidth. Low-hanging fruit. Synergy. Move the needle. It was an onslaught. A jargon apocalypse.
Dennis imagined himself on a battlefield, dodging overused metaphors like incoming missiles. Leverage this. Drill down into that. Let’s take this offline. He was running out of energy. His defenses were weakening. He needed an escape plan.
And then it came—the great Jargon Apocalypse, the verbal smokescreen executives deployed when actual answers were inconvenient:
“We need to be scrappy.” (Translation: No budget, no resources, but if it fails, it’s still your fault.)
“Let’s align on next steps.” (Translation: No one knows what to do, but we’ll all pretend we do.)
“Leverage synergies.” (Translation: We have nothing new to say, but we want to sound intelligent.)
Dennis leaned back in his chair, surrendering to the chaos. There was no escaping it. The corporate machine didn’t run on efficiency—it ran on the ability to sound efficient.
And just then, Gavin turned to Dennis. “We haven’t heard much from you today—penny for your thoughts?”
He snapped back to reality. All eyes on him. He had a choice: speak in plain English and be devoured alive or wield the very weapon of his enemies.
He took a deep breath and nodded sagely. “I think we need to align on key synergies while maintaining agility. Let’s ensure we have visibility into the low-hanging fruit before we move the needle. Happy to take this offline.”
Gavin beamed. Sandra looked impressed. Priya gave him a subtle thumbs-up.
Dennis leaned back in his chair. He was no longer a victim. The student was now the teacher.
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